lets see....what would be a good title for this post...
"Somethings you never imagine you'd put on the computer for everyone to read"
Been struggling lately. A lot of things have happened in the past year (mainly I'm referring to my weight loss since this is a "weight loss blog"). I've seen myself grow in a lot of areas and I've seen myself fail in others. I've seen this happen with myself before...I lose weight, and my confidence goes with it. I've struggled with binging and purging in the past as a teenager and struggled with it on and off since. It was pretty non-existent through my last two pregnancies but I did have some problems with it during my first. I'm really good at hiding it from my family and friends. Most people with this problem don't tend to blab it to everyone. Difference here is...I'm realizing more and more how much I'm needing help.
A few months ago I would only purge once in a while when I felt too full and now it's a daily, multiple-times-a-day thing. I feel guilty no matter what it is...if I feel even the slightest bit full I'm in the bathroom. I don't necessarily "binge" to make me feel like I've eaten too much and need to. I'm not quite sure if things have become obvious with my husband...to me...I'm obvious even though I try not to be. I guess this is one thing I will know the signs for with my daughters (heaven forbid they ever go through this). I realize many people don't assume an overweight person deals with this problem...I even have a hard time calling it what it is. I have recently been suffering with constant acid reflux/heartburn and I know it's attributed to my problem.
My "problem" has now gotten to the extreme of me feeling better about myself afterwards, and that (I know) is a dangerous spot to have gotten myself. Obviously I'm not in danger of losing too much weight or being underweight because of it but the internal damage has been done and only gets worse from here on out.
I hope someday to have gotten myself out of this destructive loop and be there for others who are struggling...but I'm a long way off.
Addictions come in many forms for different types of people. Most of us who criticize and put down people with addictions have something that is, in fact, an "addiction"...but we don't categorize it as that since it's not illegal or it doesn't affect those around us. It's easy to look at everyone elses' problems just to take that little bit of attention off of our own. This is my "addiction"....and it's going to take lots of little steps to get me away from it...it will be gradual.
I made this blog so that I could post every obstacle and every trial I've gone through with my weight loss journey...so far this is the hardest to hurdle over. It's also been a hard one for me to put out there for everyone to see because I hear "bulemia" thrown around like it's a joke and laughed at. It's not a joke...it's real...and it's not something only extreme atheletes or "thin" people deal with.
