FRUSTRATED...that pretty much sums up how I've been feeling later.  Haven't gotten my weight to change in 3 weeks and that's just rediculous.    So I have resorted to the liquid diet that I did the first time go-round.  The HMR 500 diet that cuts my calories to 500 calories a day...in a liquid form.  Hoping this will give me a good jump start again cause I'm just getting too discouraged, and who wants to be fat during the summer??  If THIS doesn't work...I don't know what to do...I feel so desperate and I will never be happy with myself in this body.

The first three weeks of this are going to be the hardest...once I really start seeing and feeling results, I will have no difficulty whatsoever to keep it going.  I would also really like to find a trainer who is willing to give me a few free consults and sessions to kinda kick me in the butt.  If anyone knows of anyone in the Cadillac area that's really good, I would appreciate it.  I don't need someone to show me how to use machines or tell me how long to do them..I want someone to do circuit training with me or kick boxing or SOMETHING different to change up my routine.  Videos are just not working for me cause I've never been in anything that involved a "routine" so I get lost in all of it and get frustrated. 

It sucks that being fat pretty much sets the tone for everything you do and how you feel doing it.  Am really wanting to trade my vacation with the hubby in July for a couple of weeks at the Biggest Loser Resort.....but somehow $2,000 a week just can't be justified...EVER. :P 

So I was pretty disheartened last night.  Went to the gym and decided I couldn't go 3 days without weighing myself...I did and nothin....actually gained a pound since last Monday.  What the heck?  I know how to do this and I know I'm working out enough and eating right (between 1400-1500 calories).  Only thing I can think is that I need a rest day for my body to heal itself (been working muscles I haven't worked in a long time).  So I'm resting today (Sunday...seems appropriate) and we will see what the scale says on my weigh-in day (tommorrow...monday).    I had a hard time getting through my third workout of the day with seeing that number.  But I did it.  Looking forward to some time outside with the family today.  Trying to not be down about this.  Thinking I need to go to the doctors to get some of my levels checked and make sure there is nothing stopping me from losing weight like I should be.  Anyone know of Wellbutrin causing weight gain or making it hard to lose weight?  I know some anti-depressants do that and I'm hoping mine doesn't. 

But I'd like to be able to post my cholesterol levels, blood pressure, sugar levels and all that for everyone to see.  I know they're good...too bad I didn't have those checked before I started this journey this time around. 

Could really use some encouraging words right now!!  There is no way I should be hitting a plateau right now....so something is up. Maybe I need a trainer to kick me in my butt a couple times a week. Hmmmmmmmm!!

What a gorgeous day.  Okay,so it's a little foggy and the sunshine isn't out yet, but I have had such a wonderful day already.  I had set my phone to go off at 5am so I could go for a run.  I woke up at 3 and saw my phone had shut itself off (pretty normal for my dumb phone) so I just decided to get up and go to the gym, where I kicked my butt harder than I have in a long time.

Something about doing a great workout first thing in the morning is so invigorating.  With no one else at the gym I was able to push myself how I wanted.  I ran 2 1/2 miles and then I did some weights and jump roped in between sets to keep my heart rate up and then I biked for 12 miles.  All in all it was a great workout and I was sweatin something fierce.  Really proud of myself for running and I had to do it in intervals but it's a start and it felt SO good.

One thing I can't seem to get away from is weighing myself everyday..I think it's an addiction of mine and I cant' stop it.  Wish I could weigh myself once a week and be happy with it, but I do it every day.  Seeing all the little fluctuations really brings me down and sometimes causes me to do poorly in my workout and quit early cause I'm bummed.  How do I stop this?  I wish someone were with me that could just stop me from doing it.  I'm becoming my own worst enemy.  I shouldn't be letting those fluctuations bring me down.  Today I'm glad that even though I didn't see the number I wanted, that I pressed on and had such an awesome workout. 

I plan on doing my Jillian michaels dvd and then walking or running tonight (depending on if I have kids and a hubby with me). 

We have a flank steak marinating for the grill for tonight, and I've cleaned up some kale that I'm going to saute and probably make some baked potatoes.  Mmmmmmm.  Trying to fit more greens into my family's diets...and most times I hide them in things so we will see how they like it not hidden. :D

I will probably start posting a weekly picture just so I can see my week-to-week progress.  What a gorgeous day outside!  I can't wait til the kids are up and we can get outside to play.  Hopefully my youngest, Lydia, starts walking soon so that she can actually be put down outside.  Wasn't able to go for a run this morning like I had planned.  Not sleeping much at night so my body is completely exhausted.  The last two days I've been like a zombie all day, no energy and just wanting to sleep.  So I think an appointment with the doctor is in order to make sure everything is okay.  I've dealt with this on and off.  I'll have really good weeks of energy and then like a month of no desire to do anything and having a hard time even moving cause I'm tired.  Really makes me feel yucky.  May need to start taking sleeping pills again, the downside is usually they cause me to wake up with a "hangover" type of headache every morning.  That and it's hard for this mom to actually plan to be able to sleep 8 hours in a row with our three kids that wake up at night. 

On the up side.....  :D  I'm trying to think of my reward for losing a 100 lbs....only 10 lbs away!!!  Any suggestions?!?!

So I have decided tonight that I'm just not satisfied with my weight loss this week...I lost 8 lbs but I had lost that by last wednesday..so really I haven't lost anything since Wednesday last week.  I'm going to start adding a workout in the morning.  I already do a mid-day workout and then one in the evening...so I am looking forward to adding one in the morning.  I need to make sure I'm getting enough sleep though too and with all the stress at home right now, it doesn't always happen.  So many things happening that I wish I could share cause getting it out in the open would really help me not keep it inside.  The more I'm keeping inside, the less I have to give during my workouts.  I have found myself giving up halfway through and saying "Oh, I did it long enough" or "At least I worked out for a little bit" and that's a horrible way to think and will doom my weightloss in the end.  Having 3 little ones and a rocky marriage has been a hard ride in itself, and I"m hoping that as I gain confidence in this journey that some things change.  My heart is hurting tonight....

This was me at my heaviest ever 386 lbs

This is me now at 296 lbs

I was so excited to get up this morning knowing it's going to be in the 50's today and absolutely gorgeous out!  I can't wait to get the kids out of the house!  We've all needed it! :)  It's starting to be easier to get up in the mornings...I think I'm resting a little bit more at night because of my workouts.  I also know that staying on an anti-anxiety medicine is crucial for me right now.  There's been so many things going on in our family life and I hate admitting that I need help but Wellbutrin has been wonderful.  I've been on and off anti-depressants since I delivered my first baby and fell into post-partum.  Yes, it is a real thing, and I don't think that men can truely understand those hormonal imbalances in your body that happen after delivering a child and the pain that you can feel but are unable to describe.  Don't be scared to admit defeat and seek help...I can't stress this enough.  It's been bad for me to take myself off and put myself back on so many times.  I kept thinking "I feel so good, maybe I can do without" and it just was never the right timing.  Being on medication doesn't mean that I don't trust God in my day-to-day life.

  I can't wait for all the snow to be gone off all the roads so that I can start running little by little.  I used to be able to run for 6 miles straight and now I don't know if I could run a full mile right now. 

So I got up and made breakfast this morning....Cooked up some potatoes, veggies, turkey bacon and added some egg whites and fat free chedder cheese and Picante sauce.  Needless to say it's a hit in the house for breakfast and will be our go-to on the weekends cause it provides a really good amount of protein to get us going and motivated. :)  What's your favorite breakfast?!  Subscribe to my blog and post!!! :)

Oh yeah...I did awesome this week with no diet soda...just drinking water.  But today I caved and rewarded myself with a Diet Coke from McDonalds after my workout...YUM!  Then hubby went and got me a Diet Cherry Dr Pepper.....  So I think I'm going to make weekends okay for Soda since I know it's too hard to give it up completely. :)  But I have felt so awesome only drinking water and I'm proud of myself.!! :D

So this was me back in 2008...I will totally get here again! 

Today while I was at the gym pedaling away I suddenly realized that it's about time I share my experiences of losing weight with everyone.  It's never been easy for me to share such personal things as I've always looked down on myself for being overweight...weight has been a battle for me since I was a little kids.  I was put on diets starting around 2nd grade and the bad habbits started from there.  I retreated from every possible thing I could just so I wouldn't embarrass myself or make myself feel awkward around everyone else.  I always felt like adults and kids were looked down on me for my weight.  After I graduated high school in 2003 I finally got a gym membership and started working out and went on a liquid diet of diet shakes made by HMR.  I lost a lot of weight, though I'm not sure how much cause I never weighed myself at that time.  I went down from a size 22 to a size 14 in a matter of two months...maybe less.  It didn't take me long to gain all that weight back and be right back where I was.  In 2007 I went back to the HMR classes and did their diet again and started working out...I lost 50 lbs and then I moved up to Cadillac, MI where my weight-loss kinda halted, but I wasn't gaining.  Once I got settled in my new surroundings, I started running and started losing weight.  I was living with my Aunt and Uncle and my ambition to get fit inspired my Uncle to start lifting again.  It didn't take long for me to start lifting with him after I did my run.  Eventually I joined Anytime Fitness in Cadillac and was getting up at 3AM just so I could work out 3 hours before heading to work.  I did this 6 or 7 times a week.  The weight was just melting off during this process and I had gained a lot of muscle.  I was toned and feeling so good about myself.  I had started out this time at 5' 8" and 321 lbs in June of 2007 and in June of 2008 I was 198 lbs and a size 14.  It was at this same time in my life, in may of 2008 actually that I met my now husband, Joshua Thwaites.  That same summer we found out we were expecting and the morning sickness started....and the work outs stopped.  Once you fall out of a habbit, it is so hard to get back into it.  I just couldn't get myself motivated even after the morning sickness subsided.  We ended up having Caitlyn in 2009, Zachary in 2010 and Lydia in 2011 (my most precious treasures), but it also led me to gain a horrible amount of weight.  In a matter of three years, I managed to shoot past the highest I had ever been and after deliving Lydia I got up to 386 lbs.  Horrible, I know!  Through the last two pregnancies I wouldn't let my midwife weigh me cause I was so depressed with how I looked, the last thing I wanted was to know my weight.  But when I re-joined Anytime Fitness in August of 2011 I knew I needed to weigh myself.....how horrible it was to see that weight on a scale.  I won't ever forget that feeling....I think I actually left the gym after seeing that cause I was so distraught that I couldn't bring myself to even work out.  The next day I started on the long road ahead of myself.  I couldn't be more happy to be down 90 lbs and at 296 lbs.  I still have such a long way to go, but I can feel the change and I'm starting to see little changes.  I'm really hoping that everyone will offer advice and encouragment where needed.  We all have our bad days, and I know I will need your support for those bad days!  I went through November of 2011 to March 1st with no workouts and I didn't gain any weight but that was time that I could have been losing!  I am not stopping now!  This will be an ongoing thing with me and I hope that my kids will be proud of their mom and look up to me when they get older.  I hope the habbits we build now will only benefit them.