lets see....what would be a good title for this post...

"Somethings you never imagine you'd put on the computer for everyone to read"

  
    Been struggling lately.  A lot of things have happened in the past year (mainly I'm referring to my weight loss since this is a "weight loss blog").  I've seen myself grow in a lot of areas and I've seen myself fail in others.  I've seen this happen with myself before...I lose weight, and my confidence goes with it.  I've struggled with binging and purging in the past as a teenager and struggled with it on and off since.  It was pretty non-existent through my last two pregnancies but I did have some problems with it during my first.  I'm really good at hiding it from my family and friends.  Most people with this problem don't tend to blab it to everyone.  Difference here is...I'm realizing more and more how much I'm needing help.


A few months ago I would only purge once in a while when I felt too full and now it's a daily, multiple-times-a-day thing.  I feel guilty no matter what it is...if I feel even the slightest bit full I'm in the bathroom.  I don't necessarily "binge" to make me feel like I've eaten too much and need to.  I'm not quite sure if things have become obvious with my husband...to me...I'm obvious even though I try not to be.  I guess this is one thing I will know the signs for with my daughters (heaven forbid they ever go through this).  I realize many people don't assume an overweight person deals with this problem...I even have a hard time calling it what it is.  I have recently been suffering with constant acid reflux/heartburn and I know it's attributed to my problem. 

My "problem" has now gotten to the extreme of me feeling better about myself afterwards, and that (I know) is a dangerous spot to have gotten myself.  Obviously I'm not in danger of losing too much weight or being underweight because of it but the internal damage has been done and only gets worse from here on out.

I hope someday to have gotten myself out of this destructive loop and be there for others who are struggling...but I'm a long way off.

Addictions come in many forms for different types of people.  Most of us who criticize and put down people with addictions have something that is, in fact, an "addiction"...but we don't categorize it as that since it's not illegal or it doesn't affect those around us.  It's easy to look at everyone elses' problems just to take that little bit of attention off of our own.  This is my "addiction"....and it's going to take lots of little steps to get me away from it...it will be gradual. 

I made this blog so that I could post every obstacle and every trial I've gone through with my weight loss journey...so far this is the hardest to hurdle over.  It's also been a hard one for me to put out there for everyone to see because I hear "bulemia" thrown around like it's a joke and laughed at.  It's not a joke...it's real...and it's not something only extreme atheletes or "thin" people deal with.

Been a while since I've posted anything...been kinda crazy lately.  I was getting too tired to actually drag myself out of bed.  Actually the last morning I did, I got up and drove to the gym and just couldn't get out of the car.  So I started to go at night after the kids went to bed, and that just didn't work.  Two days of that and my knee started to swell up and I've been having trouble bending it.  I now have sharp constant shooting pains down my shin from the pain I'm having in my knee.  The worst time is when I get up..I can barely walk.  This week I've gotten back to the gym..despite the pain in my knee I go cause I know that once I get it stretched out and try to strengthen it, the pain won't be as bad. 

So yesterday I broke down and called the Orthopedic surgeon's office for a consult and x-ray and possible MRI of my left knee.  I had Arthroscopic surgey on it back in 2003 cause I had a torn Meniscus.  Since being pregnant and putting back on weight, it hasn't been the same.  It grinds (like a bone-on-bone grind) all the time.  We shall see what can be done.  I know I have arthritis in my knee...I'm just glad that I have lost a significant amount of weight cause that should make the healing process quicker after surgery.

So that has slowed me down a bit...I have to actually put my leg up and ice it during the day which isn't easy with the little ones.  Biking is one of the things that seems to not add any extra pain so I've been doing that at the gym.  However....now that aggravates another problem I've had since high school.  I have a Pilonidal cyst on my tailbone.  Had it drained back in my junior year I think....and now it's gotten bigger and hurts so bad.  So when I go to get off the bike, I slide off ever so slowly and hold back the tears.  So TODAY..I called a surgeons office in Traverse City for a consult on having the cyst removed.  Shall we add anything else to this?? :P 

Oh yeah....I have a consult with a plastic surgeon in August for a tummy tuck.  Never thought I would make that move.  But insurance covers a HUGE chunk of it for people who have lost over 100 lbs and...well..I fall in that category!  I'm actually excited..nervous but excited.  It's just going to make this new chapter in my life even more exciting.  And no..it's not just my way out of working for it.  I have been heavy my whole life and then the past 10 years has been a cycle of gaining and losing and gaining and losing some more and gaining again.  My body doesn't have that elasticity anymore.  I'm really looking forward to that consult.

Needless to say..it's going to be a busy summer.  But I need to get all of this stuff out of the way now while I can. 

Hoping to post new pictures this weekend. :)  And I'll have an updated weight loss at that point too. :)  Weight-loss may slow due to limitations right now but I'm trying!!.

SO I'm having a rough morning today...

Weight-gain/loss has been a huge battle my whole life...as long as I can remember.  What I remember most about my childhood is being the fat one that withdrew from a lot of fun things because of being self-conscious.  Isn't that sad?  I won't let the rest of my life be that way...I want to be in control.  That being said...being in control isn't always easy.  Past couple of weeks have been hard.

Easter.....was filled with candy...and TONS of it.  Two cookie jars sitting on our counter filled with candy.  When no one was around, the binge eater in me took control and I would eat probably 600-800 calories easily just pacing around the house.  This is why I try to keep junk food out of the house...I hardly ever think to binge eat on healthy foods.  I know I eventually have to win control back over this, but it's a work in progress.  It's something I've known my whole life.  Sad? Binge...Lonely? Binge...Bored?....binge and so on.  I don't remember the exact age I was, I just remember it was the year I tried to run away from home but I had started making myself throw up.  When I had started I probably kept it up for almost a year.  It started that I would only do it after I went into a binge, but then I eventually did it after every meal....even if it was something healthy, I just felt like if it was in my body, it was going to make/keep me fat.

I've struggled with it on and off over the years and lately that has also taken control of me a handful of times (I am sad to say).  It's hard to fight off the temptation.  I packed up all the candy and 5 boxes of little debbies that Josh decided to get at the store the other day and told him to take them to work and put in his locker.  He doesn't need them either but he wouldn't let me throw them away.  So the junk food is out of the house but I still struggle with mindlessly throwing things into my mouth...even if I do write it down. 

No weight-loss in the past couple of weeks...most likely due to my diet, which is sad cause I've been bustin my tail at the gym.

I knew I would let go of some of my secrets on this blog and this is one I don't think I've ever talked about.  There is a great deal of shame that comes with it and that's probably why.  It's just another reason why it's so hard to do this journey without a support system. 

So I have no pictures to post cause I left my camera downstate.  BUT...

My weight as of this morning...278!  That's 7 lbs down in the last two weeks and I couldn't be more thrilled. :D  I have started weight-lifting every day...focusing on a different muscle group every day.  It's pretty intense but my body always seems to respond really well to it.

This morning I woke up and could barely walk...yesterday was legs day.  Felt fine all day yesterday and then I went to get out of bed this morning and almost fell. :P  But I love that burn...tells me I'm working those muscles hard.  Yesterday's workout went like this:  50 minutes of stationary bike on alpine pass on level 8, 15 mins on the stairclimber, 3 sets of 20 deadlifts (80 lbs), 3 sets of 20 leg presses (220 lbs) with 20 squats in between sets, 3 sets of 18 leg extensions (45 lbs), 3 sets of 20 leg curls (45 lbs) and then 40 mins on the eliptical.  OHHHH yeah...I'm feeling it...and I"ll be doing that workout all over again tomorrow.  Today was shoulders and I feel awesome!  Something about being a woman and weight lifting that is so empowering!

I'm looking forward to weighing in this Monday.  Not expecting much difference in the scale but I'm still happy.  I quit doing the liquid diet for Easter weekend, and then went back on it for three days and have been off it for a few days now.  I have decided to not continue with it.  With having a family to care for and cook for, it's nearly impossible.  It's better for both my family and I if I cook healthy for all of us.  I feel so much more energized eating actual food when I work out.  I have also switched to lifting every weekday, focusing on a different muscle group every day.  I am really feeling it and my triceps are still on fire from yesterday.  I kicked butt on the stair climber yesterday at level 20 (the highest it goes)...and man...did I feel like I just ran 1,000 flights of stairs!  So about the weight-loss.....now that I have actual food sitting in my stomach pretty much all the time I'm going to weigh a couple pounds more than I did on the liquid diet.  So even if my weight stays the same, I've actaully lost weight.  Does that makes sense? So there will be an update with pictures (hopefully) on Monday!!

SOOO...I haven't been posting in a while..I had a couple of rough weeks of no loss and then a couple of weeks ago I went back up to 302 with no difference in my diet, but Ijust missed a couple days at the gym.  So last Monday I was at 302 lbs and today I weighed in at 285 lbs.  How's that for a week's loss!?!  18 friggin pounds!  Yeah baby!  Okay so I had my mom take a couple pics today to post for progress.  :)  What do ya think?  Yeah, I've gone down a size and a half in a week.  WAHOO!! 

And here is a side view, I've never liked side views..but I think I'm looking pretty darn good! :)

Can't wait to post NEXT weeks pics already!  What a great week it has been! :)

FRUSTRATED...that pretty much sums up how I've been feeling later.  Haven't gotten my weight to change in 3 weeks and that's just rediculous.    So I have resorted to the liquid diet that I did the first time go-round.  The HMR 500 diet that cuts my calories to 500 calories a day...in a liquid form.  Hoping this will give me a good jump start again cause I'm just getting too discouraged, and who wants to be fat during the summer??  If THIS doesn't work...I don't know what to do...I feel so desperate and I will never be happy with myself in this body.

The first three weeks of this are going to be the hardest...once I really start seeing and feeling results, I will have no difficulty whatsoever to keep it going.  I would also really like to find a trainer who is willing to give me a few free consults and sessions to kinda kick me in the butt.  If anyone knows of anyone in the Cadillac area that's really good, I would appreciate it.  I don't need someone to show me how to use machines or tell me how long to do them..I want someone to do circuit training with me or kick boxing or SOMETHING different to change up my routine.  Videos are just not working for me cause I've never been in anything that involved a "routine" so I get lost in all of it and get frustrated. 

It sucks that being fat pretty much sets the tone for everything you do and how you feel doing it.  Am really wanting to trade my vacation with the hubby in July for a couple of weeks at the Biggest Loser Resort.....but somehow $2,000 a week just can't be justified...EVER. :P